she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
