if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
