I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
