What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize