So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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