and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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