her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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