I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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