It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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