Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize