nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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