FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
