Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
