It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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