i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
