Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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