First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
