Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
