he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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