I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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