I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
