True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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