I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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