and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize