yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
