Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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