Dude my mom stole all your condoms
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
