def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have already put on my inside pants.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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