Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
