if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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