I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'd cum for enchiladas.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize