that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
