I want to make a zoo with you.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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