i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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