So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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