all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the condom got lost in my hair
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
50% drunk capacity currently
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
