and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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