he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
