This dress was meant to end up on your floor
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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