Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
