hell yes lets make some ravioli
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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