Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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