did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
