The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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