My hand turned me down
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
