Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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