it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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