He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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