Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
