I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
