Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You ruined the universe
Randomize
