i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
