I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
false alarm, still single
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
