speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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