my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
