Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
