finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
