how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
