Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
