her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
