this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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