my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
