I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
