Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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