my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
