At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i came on her dog
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
