garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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