no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize