I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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