i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize