I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
